I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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