the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
