I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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