there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
