11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
