hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
