you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
