"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
