his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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