sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I had to cum in my sink.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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