I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize