none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
