So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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