Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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