So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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