Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
