the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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