I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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