Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
