I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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