I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
