I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
