I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
