Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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