grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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