I got chris browned last night
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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