1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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