And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
