He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
