You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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