what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
