everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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