I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
