i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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