i think my tv is drunk
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
