He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
