the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
