My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
