Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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