The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
