Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
