Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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