And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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