you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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