I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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