I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
