Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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