I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
