Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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