...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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