My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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