moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
