an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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