Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
