Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
