3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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