If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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