apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
