mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
